The voice of my soul said ‘let it go’. The voice in my head said things such as; I can’t possibly disappoint all those beautiful families. If I let go, we will lose something precious. Who am I to choose something because it’s right for me, my needs aren’t really that important anyway. After all, as the leader of this organization, shouldn’t the well being of the community be more important?
For the past 9 years, with the help of my right hand woman, Melissa Shaw, we have organized and hosted a year end closing celebration for the Portland Maiden Spirit community. Every June we would gather our energy and support from the Maiden Spirit mentors, parents and my support staff to create a beautiful and important experience for all the girls and families in the Maiden Spirit program.
As the MOTHER of the Life Blessing Institute it had been a joyful responsibility that I embraced for many years. As strongly as I felt about bringing this event to the Maiden Spirit community, there came a time when I realized I had to let it go. I was torn. I had a made a commitment to Maiden Spirit and myself, and felt GUILTY about even thinking about letting it go.
Do you ever feel this way? Is there something you gave your commitment to that is no longer right for you, but quitting seems like breaking a sacred promise? It took me two years to really listen to a deeper truth that was trying to make itself known.
Often, and usually unconsciously, we stop ourselves from surrendering to the creative movement of evolution because this means CHANGE. Our brains still register change as unknown and potentially unsafe. Every mother knows that protecting her children is THE highest priority! Could our GUILT be a clever SELF PROTECTION?
When I finally sat down with my guilt about wanting to stop hosting the Maiden Spirit event, I discovered an even deeper aspect of my resistance to make this change. I was afraid to face and actually FEEL all the underlying emotions, the fear of disappointing others and possibly face their disapproval, disapproval and maybe even anger. I didn’t want to feel the sadness of no longer working on this collaborative project with Melissa every year. I did not want to feel sadness about the loss of something that had been so precious for so long.
For me, our Closing Celebration last June was the most precious ever. For the first time in Maiden Spirit herstory, my own granddaughter, my son, and her brother participated. I knew before, during and after that it would be my last time. It was time to face and feel, LET GO and trust that I could handle whatever the consequences might be. I was ready, I DID IT and I survived!! Melissa and I announced to our mentor community that I was officially retiring from this responsibility. WE LET GO.
(These photos were taken at our last June closing Celebration. My grand daughter is passing through our rite- of-passage angel bridge)
And then, the most amazing thing happened. Out of the blue, I received this email from Jodie Gemmato (a Maiden Spirit mentor with a circle of girls in their 3rd year together).
Subject Line: Guess what???
My ‘I Contribute’ girls just decided to organize the MS Closing(with a few added surprises) for their project!!!
They are SO excited!! And awesome!
Soon after, I received a letter in the mail from the girls themselves which said:
For our 3rd year project Sorrelle and I have decided to organize and host the Closing. We thought it would be important for the Maiden Spirit community to have a closing. We are happy that we are the youngest girls to host the Closing this year. We hope it will be a meaningful experience. We thought that it would be exciting to be hosting and creating from the girls point of view instead of the adults. We were wondering if the Life Blessing Institute would be willing to donate towards the cost?
Willow and Sorrelle (ages 11?)
I could NEVER imagined a better next step in the evolution of this event that I was certain would end if I stepped down. How can it get ANY better than this?
Here are my take aways from this experience. Perhaps you could apply them to that thing you know you must do but guilt is stopping you.
- Innovative new possibilities and solutions arise once we move through the smoke screen of guilt and intentionally discover what is blocking our freedom to act on what we know is right.
- We are resourceful adults, capable of metabolizing what ever intensity of emotion the change we want to make may trigger in us.
- We can uproot unconscious beliefs and misunderstandings, hiding beneath our guilt. (Example) The well being of others is more important than mine)
- Conscious experience of the actual emotions beneath our resistance to change will allow energy to move
- We have the power to choose and practice living from a more present time/accurate truth. (My well being matters!)
- When we choose to transmute guilt and ACT on inner knowing we open the door to MAGIC.
- As we empower ourselves we open a space that empowers others.
- LET THE MAGIC BEGIN!